Ever have the overwhelming guttural feeling your bad…not as in ‘badass’ (if only) but feeling like an absolutely terrible person inside & out…..yeah me too. I’m currently in that very slump! I have spent several weeks up to now digging up ancient history & reliving horrific moments from my past in my mind, for confirmation that I am indeed the worst kind of person. The guilt I feel is very real, knocking me physically sick at times.
I am persecuting myself amongst many other things, for being a terrible friend; not being attentive enough, not returning calls/messages quick enough, not being thoughtful enough, being distant, being awkward in social situations & creating an atmosphere (atleast in my head I make others uncomfortable???) Also for being a terrible teenager; putting my mum through hell, being selfish, not applying myself in school, drinking too much, making awful decisions, lashing out at everyone. And for letting anxiety control me; yeah biggy I know! The lines are so blurred for me as too what behaviours are magnified by my anxiety & those that are just part of my genetic make-up. I don’t trust easily nor do I forgive easily both of which have caused a magnitude of problems past & present. The decisions I have made in the past that have literally shaped & eternally changed my life going forward are causing me the most guilt.
Ooooof heavy, miserable stuff right?! I can not be sure at all what has triggered this episode of self loathing & it’s vile intensity. I do know that my mood is deteriorating rapidly & that the slump is round the corner, which I guess is to be expected as I am victim to my own character assassination.
The truth is deep down in my more rational thought patterns, I know this is so far removed from who I am. I mean what innately bad person actually feels bad about being bad huh?! So what I have decided to do in order to attempt to combat this downward spiral is reaffirm what I already know deep down:
I have NEVER commited a crime/nor wanted too
I am a great mother
I am thoughtful
I am a loyal friend
I have made many mistakes & for the most part apologised for those mistakes
I love without bounds
I try my hardest often
I do not lie
I am ‘That person’ who notices your new shoes/hair/outfit & will tell you openly even if I don’t know you that you look amazing
I am not a terrible person
I AM ONLY HUMAN
Negative thoughts replaced with positive has to be the way forward.
“Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a different past” Oprah
And this is what I have come to realise I need to work on, forgiving myself. Maybe then my fractured soul can heal a little more?!